36 Years And Counting: Disability Parenting And (My) Marriage
At the end of September, my husband and I celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary. WOW, right? It’s hard to believe we’ve been married so long.
Here’s a little bit of our story: We met in grad school in 1987, and we individually heard from the Lord that we would one day marry. In our years together, we’ve lived in 4 states, had 3 children, and have (so far) walked through an almost 27-year-long special needs parenting journey.
And, thankfully, we’re still standing. Facing forward, shoulder-to-shoulder. Strong together and growing stronger.
Despite the many struggles that threatened to end us, thank God we’re still here!
A WORD FROM THE LORD
As I’ve thought about how our marriage has lasted so long (a rare thing these days), I can’t help but recall the words the Lord told me to speak over my marriage years ago:
“My marriage is happy, balanced, and blessed; and Terry and I are on one accord.”
I have been making that simple declaration for decades, no matter what was going on between Terry and me. In retrospect, I believe God knew the things that would try to tear us apart, and He gave me His words as a weapon for the challenges we’d face and the warfare that would come against us.
Throughout our marriage, the Lord has continued to teach both Terry and me individually how to have the marriage He’d given me the words for.
Our education began when my son was in the hospital 26 years ago, and the Lord began teaching each of us who He is and how He works. When we were both in a place of life-altering desperation, He drew each of us closer to Him to develop our own individual relationship with Him, and taught us both to trust Him.
PRAYER: WITH AND FOR
The Lord taught us to pray WITH each other and FOR each other. He taught us to pray about the things we needed from each other. After years of fighting and blaming, we each learned to take our needs to God and trust Him to change each of our hearts to want His will.
That was not easy.
Sometimes it’s still not.
But we learned.
As we’ve prayed together we’ve learned so much about each other’s dreams and desires, concerns and fears. Listening to each other talk to God helped us to know each other’s hearts so much better.
As Married Life Group Leaders and Marriage Mentors for our church, we learned that many (if not most) Christian married couples do not pray together regularly. Though the couples in our groups said they believed in the power of prayer, spouses still found excuses to not pray with one another. To combat the excuses, the Lord led Terry and me to incorporate couple’s prayer time into our group meetings.
You know, there’s a reason the enemy of our souls tries to keep married couples from praying together. He realizes there is multiplied power, unity, and intimacy when we stand together, shoulder-to-shoulder with our spouse, petitioning God together, in agreement. When we pray together, the plans of darkness are thwarted.
STAYING CONNECTED
Over the years, God has also given Terry and me strategies for how to be and stay connected, despite the changing demands of our special needs life. Rather than trying to mimic what other couples were doing, we found our own rhythm. One that worked for the realities of our life. Again, not easy because it required a change in mindset and great intentionality. We continue to learn in this area.
These days, we laugh more easily together. There’s a comfort and ease in our friendship with each other. We forgive more quickly. We have faith in our ability to stand because God’s grace has enabled us to do so for 36 years. We trust that God is invested in our marriage and wants to help us succeed.
I love us—my hubby and me. I love who we’re becoming together.
ENOUGH ABOUT ME, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
How have you and your spouse weathered your years together ?
Would you say that your marriage is happy, balanced, and blessed? Don’t be discouraged if it’s not YET. You can turn your desire into a prayer. The Lord would love to answer it!
Would you say that you and your spouse are on one accord? If not, I encourage you to ask the Lord to teach you both how to be on one accord with Him first, which will put you on one accord with each other.
What do you need from your spouse that you may not be getting? Take that to the Lord as well because He is the Provider of all our needs and the only One who can change hearts.
Even more than we do, God wants our marriages to prosper. There’s purpose in your union with your spouse—things God wants to accomplish through the two of you together. And He is more than willing to step in to help. All we have to do is ask and then let Him.
I’m praying for you that all God’s purposes for your marriage will be fulfilled. I’d love if you would pray the same for mine.
RESOURCES
If you need help with starting to pray for your spouse, I’d recommend Stormie Omartian’s book of prayers for wives here, and the one for husbands here. And a book of prayers for you to both pray together here. They are all a great place to start.
If special needs parenting is creating issues in your marriage, my friend Kristin and her husband, Todd, have written a marriage book specifically for parents of children with disabilities. You can check it out here.
If you and your spouse want some help fine-tuning your marriage, you can learn more about Marriage Mentorship by clicking on the Coaching tab above and scrolling to the bottom.