Sometimes Self-Advocacy Has To Precede Self-Care
As special needs parents, many of us have likely had to advocate for our children - educationally, medically, or both - to ensure they received the services or treatments needed to grow, heal, thrive. As the mom of a young adult with special needs, I’ve been playing the role of an advocate for over 20 years, and have been pretty successful in gaining access to services my son might have otherwise not received. He has benefited, his classmates have benefited, his schoolmates have benefited. Strong advocacy can effect real, positive change. I’m sure (I hope) we can all attest to that.
I wonder what would happen if we special needs parents advocated for ourselves or our needs as passionately as we advocate for our kids. In not doing so, how have we been deprived of the care we need to grow, heal or thrive?
There is so much being written and shared about self-care and soul care these days. The need for both, and ideas for how to address both needs, are well documented. And yet these are still areas where special needs parents (more typically, special needs moms) continue to struggle. Why is that?
I believe the answer may lie in the steps we need to take BEFORE we can move to self or soul care. Might we first need to recognize that denying ourselves care is an injustice being done to us and our families? With this recognition, would we then be willing to advocate for ourselves? (Advocacy is always a response to perceived injustice.)
Maybe then we’d be willing to:
Advocate for solutions that make self-care possible. This may mean asking for help or changing the way we do some things.
Stand up against the voices that tell us we don’t need or can’t make time for rest or downtime.
Advocate for mindsets that acknowledge and prioritize our need for physical, spiritual and emotional health.
Advocate against guilt and shame for needing a break and the supermom/dad syndrome that drives so many of us to have unhealthy expectations of ourselves.
Advocate for the truth that both we and our families fail to thrive when we don’t care for our own health and well-being.
With so many other things to do and others to care for, it can often seem easier than not to let our own needs slide. For me, the LORD Himself had to reveal that my mindset about caring for my own needs (and desires) needed to change. Prior to His revelation, I’d never considered that the sacrifices I’d been making with my own care did not line up with God’s desires for me. The choices I was making to ignore or neglect consistent self-care were, along with some other choices, rooted in a “disabled life mindset” (His exact words). He wanted me to make better choices for my well-being.
That’s so like God, isn’t it? He always wants what’s best for us, even more than we want it for ourselves. He doesn’t want anything to prevent us from fulfilling His good plans for our lives. (This becomes increasingly hard to do when we’re not taking care of ourselves.) And we have His Holy Spirit (THE Advocate) to help and guide us. However, our choices are still our own. The LORD will help us if we want to make better choices. But He won’t force us to.
Since God revealed to me His desire for me to make more space in my life for me, I’ve begun taking steps to do so. None of the steps have been huge, but I have been making time to add back to my life small things I enjoy - things that bring me a sense of peace or beauty or gratitude or joy. I’ve added things that allow me to focus on something besides my caregiving responsibilities, but still engage my brain. (Jigsaw puzzles have become a renewed favorite of mine during the pandemic.) Importantly, I feel rejuvenated by these small choices I’m making to prioritize me on a regular basis. I’m benefiting and those around me are taking note and benefiting as well.
So what are some of the areas in which your Self or your Soul could use an advocate? If you’re not sure, ask the LORD and His Advocate will guide you.