Deep Cleaning

Psalms 51:10 - “Create in me a clean heart, God…” (NASB 2020)

I noticed that I was becoming angry a lot more and staying angry a lot longer. I was reacting more quickly to even minor offenses (or what felt like offenses… Maybe I was just imagining they were…). My fuse was short and I could feel it. It didn’t feel good.

I sat with the LORD morning after morning, having to repent for becoming angry so quickly and for staying angry so long. I hated the feeling of being so angry - too angry - but I was losing the battle to stop it. I prayed about it over and over, yet the anger remained.

One of the things that was triggering anger in me was the fact that, every time I unloaded the dishwasher lately, the dishes were not clean. Even after repeated washing, many would come out still a little dirty. I quickly realized that the dishwasher itself was never quite clean on the inside, so I did all the things to fix that. I ran an empty dishwasher with a cleaning agent. Didn’t work. I cleaned the inside of the dishwasher by hand. While doing this I noticed that a gray film had settled everywhere. I wiped it out. Didn’t work. I ran the dishwasher and the dishes and dishwasher were still dirty.

After much frustration, I remembered that I hadn’t cleaned the dishwasher’s filter for months. I took it out and it was filthy. Disgusting actually. As I cleaned the filter, I realized that there was no way a filter this dirty could effectively clean dishes. It had reached its cleaning limit. When the filter was clean, I re-ran the dishwasher and - surprise, surprise - the dishwasher was clean.

Shortly thereafter, as I sat with the LORD one morning, I read Psalms 51:10: “Create in me a clean heart, God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.” As I read it, I immediately saw the connection between my dirty dishwasher experience and this verse. My heart was the “filter” of my life. If the filter was not clean, the result, over time, would be seen in other areas of my life.

Other Scripture verses came to mind:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23 NIV

“…First clean the inside of the cup…, and then the outside also will be clean.” Matthew 23:26 NIV

I had not been vigilant in guarding, checking and cleansing my heart. The feelings of anger I was struggling with were a red flag. My heart filter needed deep cleaning. Badly. So, I thanked God for this revelation, I confessed to Him my sin of leaving my heart unguarded, and I repented. Then I confessed it to my husband and asked him to pray with and for me. (By the way, he had noticed that my fuse had become shorter and was glad to hear that I was addressing it with the LORD.)

It is so easy to ignore the condition of our own hearts. As special needs parents there always seems to be someone else or something else to tend to. The time for real, honest introspection rarely just shows up. And the unfortunate result is hearts that are overwhelmed with unfiltered “stuff”. And that “stuff” starts to flow out of us into the other areas of our lives. We suffer. Our families suffer. Our lives suffer.

We have to intentionally check our hearts regularly. If I’d done that - if I was regularly asking the LORD to help me see the condition of my heart - I would likely have recognized that things were amiss long before now. Kind of like my dishwasher. Regularly checking the filter would have allowed me to see that it needed cleaning before the entire dishwasher became dirty.

So now I’m working with the LORD to cleanse my heart. Like the dishwasher filter was cleaned with water (and a little scrubbing), I’m turning to the water of the Word to clean my heart. I’m doing devotions focussed on cleansing the heart and overcoming anger. I’m meditating on Scripture to renew my mind. I’m praying and trusting the LORD to help me - to “create in me a clean heart.”

It’s a process. My heart filter didn’t get dirty overnight and it won’t be cleaned overnight. But, at least I’m aware of the issue and I can continue partnering with the LORD to resolve it. And, having experienced the consequences of not tending to my heart, I’m more motivated to make guarding and checking it a greater priority.

What about you? What are some of the things you do to guard your heart and keep it clean?