Don’t Just Go Through It; GROW Through It
Several months ago, I decided to do a deep dive into some of the research that has been done concerning trauma and parents of children with special needs. Why? Because so many special needs mommas I know (including myself) have experienced trauma in their journeys, and I wanted to know what the research had to say about it.
I was surprised to discover there’s been a lot of research done to understand the trauma associated with special needs parenting. And many recommendations have emerged about how to support us as parents. However, what most captured my attention and interest was an outcome of trauma that was reported by many special needs parents—a positive outcome.
Professionals call this positive outcome Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG). Have you heard of it? Until recently, I hadn’t, but I got excited as I read about it.
Special needs parents, in a number of qualitative studies, reported all the positive ways they had grown and developed as a result of parenting their child with special needs. Despite the difficulties they regularly faced, they reported a greater sense of purpose, realization of a depth of strength they didn’t know they possessed, and a profound sense of hope and gratitude.
Sound familiar to you? Have you experienced any of the same positive outcomes on your parenting journey? I know I have. I hope you have too.
As I dug a little deeper into Post-Traumatic Growth, here are some things I learned:
There are five non-linear stages of Post-Traumatic Growth:
(Source: @ComplexTraumaHealing)
A greater appreciation for life: This might look like a shift from resentment (“Why me?”) to a deeper sense of gratitude for life itself.
More meaningful relationships: This might involve an acceptance of our need for support and a community of people who “get it”, as well as increased empathy and compassion for others.
New possibilities: This involves becoming more resilient, the recognition that new opportunities and ways of living are available, and a willingness to change things that need to be changed.
Personal strength: This is the shift from “I can’t do this” to the realization that “I can.” As we learn that we’re much stronger than we thought, confidence in our ability to overcome challenges increases. With every experience, our wisdom grows and so does our resilience.
Spiritual development: Trauma can lead to a deeper exploration of one’s spirituality, values and beliefs, potentially resulting in a stronger sense of purpose. Out of spiritual doubt there can emerge a deeper faith.
This growth doesn’t happen overnight (We certainly know that!), and everyone doesn’t experience it the same way. And, sadly, not everyone who experiences trauma will experience PTG.
For those who have, these four factors have been identified that help lead to PTG:
(Source: Project TRUST 2018)
Brutally honest optimism: This brand of optimism is fortified by the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of our current reality, so we can take constructive action.
Perception of control over events: What makes an experience traumatic is that we weren’t able to control the circumstances that led to the harm. Growth is about regaining control either by taking action to change a situation or by changing our orientation (i.e. mindset) to a situation.
Coping style: There is active coping (a problem-solving style) or avoidance coping (escaping into a fantasy world). (I know I’m not a researcher, but I would think there’d be more than just these two coping styles.) The best predictor of PTG is acceptance and optimism, which sounds to me like active coping that involves a positive mindset and emotions.
Strong sense of self: This depends on having a purpose in life, high self-esteem, and being able to make sense of our story.
For me, learning to see and depend on God’s faithfulness have been pivotal in experiencing and recognizing the growth that has emerged from the trauma my family and I have suffered on this journey. PTG is yet another proof that He’s been with us, in our story, the entire time.
As a strong side note, I want to make clear that PTG does not eliminate the need for and benefits of professional help like counseling. We can draw from the good that both have to offer.
I felt like this information was too good, too hopeful not to share. As we journey through the difficulties of this special needs life, we don’t have to just go through it. We can GROW through it!
Let’s keep growing!
“And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness—secret riches…”
—Isaiah 45:3 NLT
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
—Romans 8:28 NLT
“…My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…”
—2 Corinthians 12:9a NIV